Rebecca at the Well
[This devar was delivered at the Tish, approximately 30 minutes before the wedding ceremony.]


Jonathan Chisdes
January 15, 2012

Deeds of Loving-Kindness from Rebecca at the Well


Today for me is, in one respect, bittersweet. Although in a few minutes I will stand under the chuppah to marry the woman that I love, fulfilling that promise that we made to each other well over a year ago, I cannot help thinking of a gaping absence. My father’s death, eleven months ago, has left a hole in my heart. Natasha has filled much of it—even more than I thought possible—but I wish to God my father had lived to see this day.

Death. Marriage. The circle of life.

It reminds me of the Torah portion which we read last November, Chayai Sarah, which describes the death of our matriarch Sarah immediately followed by the quest to find a wife for her son, Isaac. Rebecca is found and she comforts Isaac over the death of his mother.

The parallels with my own life hit me hard today, especially since my second Jewish name is Yitzchak, Isaac, and Natasha’s new second Jewish name is Rivka, Rebecca.

The famous story of Rebecca at the well is recounted in the 24th chapter of Genesis. Isaac’s father, Abraham, sends his servant on a journey to his former homeland to find a bride for his son. The servant comes to a well in Nahor and prays to God; he prepares a test to find the right bride. When Rebecca, a beautiful woman, comes to the well and the servant asks for a drink, Rebecca does not hesitate to offer water. She then offers to water his camels. The servant then knows that this is the right woman to marry Isaac. After some discussion with the family, Rebecca agrees to follow the servant and marry Isaac. And Isaac and Rebecca fall in love.

I think the Bible here is offering me some great advice on how to find the right spouse. Outer beauty is not enough—one should look for inner beauty. A woman who does not hesitate to offer water to me or to my camels: that is the woman who should be my wife.

But if I were to take this literally, it would pose a small problem, since I don’t own any camels and when I want a drink of water all I have to do it turn on the faucet or get a bottle from the refrigerator.

So instead I need to look at this metaphorically and translate what may have been practical in the ancient world to what is practical in the contemporary world. In the 21st Century, gathering places are no longer wells; large numbers of people, including Natasha and myself, meet on the internet these days.

Outer beauty is easy to recognize—I knew Natasha had that the first time I saw her photo on the dating website. But inner beauty? What exactly was Rebecca demonstrating at the well? Kindness, welcoming of the stranger, recognition of the needs of all creatures, charity. Once I got to know Natasha, she demonstrated all of these qualities. That was truly what made me fall in love with her—her dedication to the community and to the less fortunate.

Natasha volunteered to serve on many local boards including the NAACP, the Board of Charlottesville Social Services, the Offender Aid and Rehabilitation board. She volunteered for a group that taught illiterate adults how to read and helped organize their annual fundraiser. Every Election Day she volunteered to work a double-shift at the polls to insure that everyone had the chance to vote.

And it didn’t end there. I kept learning more and more about her. She was given a scholarship to the Center for Non-profit Excellence so she could improve her skills and put them to even better use serving non-profit institutions that truly made a difference. She volunteered to be a theatre manager at the Virginia Film Festival and then put those skills to use to make the Charlottesville Jewish Film Festival a success.

Above her desk hangs a plaque that reads:

People are illogical, unreasonable and self-centered,
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives,
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,
Be honest and frank anyway.

It goes on…

For Natasha it’s not just a plaque with words; she demonstrates it every day by living it. She’s dedicated her life to the ideals of Martin Luther King. She has now joined the Jewish community and offers all she has. She gives charity to all kinds of worthy projects. This is her inner beauty. This is how I knew she was the right bride for me.

What Natasha, and Rebecca, demonstrate is what our sages called “gemelut chasadim”—deeds of lovingkindness. This is one of the three pillars upon which the world stands.

My family name, Chisdes, which Natasha is now claiming for her own, is derived from this word “Chased.” When I told Natasha the family story of how my great-great grandfather was given the name Chisdes, because he was a man who demonstrated loving-kindness, and how I have tried all my life to live up to this name, Natasha knew that she wanted that name too.

There have been times in my life when I feared I was not living up to my family name, when it seemed I wasn’t doing all that I could do. But since I have met Natasha, she has helped push me in that direction and given me the encouragement I needed. She brings out the best in me and completes me. She is truly my Rebecca at the well; the comfort of my grief; the woman beyond my dreams.

I still very much wish that my father could be here today, but I am comforted knowing that he approves. Unlike Sarah in the Bible, who never got to meet her daughter-in-law, my father did meet Natasha and supported our marriage. A year ago, he was too ill to travel to Virginia for our engagement party, but he called me fifteen minutes before the party started to tell me how pleased he was that I was marrying Natasha and how proud he was of me.

And now, in only a few short minutes, my beloved and I will step under the chuppah and be united as one. Together, we’ll help repair the world with deeds of loving-kindness.